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My Big Red Couch

Friday, April 29, 2005

When The Other Olive Drops - Part 1

Val dropped a bomb in my lap this morning. The Anchorage Press has created (or vacated) a job with me written all over it. Here is my submission by way of application. Read on:

Lynne -

I may be a day late and a cliché' short but I'm giving this my best shot.

A dear friend noticed your ad for Nightlife Correspondent last evening when browsing though her litter box (there's no accounting for taste) and mentioned it to me in passing this morning. Assuming, incorrectly, that she was talking about yesterdays still sticky pages (at least it isn't printed in Spenard; or is it?) I ran to my closest newsstand (which happened to be the lunch counter at Cafe Europa) and tore through the pages looking for your ad. No luck. I looked twice.

Let me tell you about my day. It started around 11pm last night with a drrrty nightcap (3 parts vodka, 1 1/2 parts olive juice, 1/2 part vermouth, shaken with 6 ice cubes) and I went to bed. It was a restful rest. Not the "dreaming of puppies and kittens all warm in cuddly" type of rest nor the "after hot sex with a waitress from IHOP" kind of rest but a "getting the job done for a few hours to get up and start all over again in the morning" kind of rest. That's a cherished form of rest for me with an 18 month old, a 6 year old, a 36 year old (yeah, she's my wife but she's a handful too), 3 dogs and my in-laws occupying my basement (thankfully it's not a trailer house and we're not all forced to co-exist on the same level and by same level I mean elevation).

My alarm fires off its 5:30am welcome warble, I nail the snooze button and roll over, not to the loving embrace of my darling wife of nearly eight years but the ever popular morning comment, "if you're getting in the shower make sure you shut that thing off."

Well, it's Friday and not unlike every other Friday in my life I have too much to do today. I dress (the shower will come later) and head to work a few hours early to make room for everything else. The saving grace of this otherwise hectic day is that I will be able to spend all of my traveling moments on two wheels (BMW R1150R Rockster just in case you're interested). I left my beloved Rockster in the driveway last night to save the family from the menace of the barking dogs that are set off anytime I open the garage door so all I needed to do was grab my helmet and go. So I went.

The office doesn't open until 8am. Nobody usually shows up until 7am at the earliest. This is 6am. My office keys are on my truck keys which are still in my hat on my kitchen counter. Luckily I was able to climb through an open window to get to my desk (the odd benefit of having an early spring is that the window by my desk was open; oh joy).

My job is more of a hobby than a job. To hear my boss tell it the only reason I get a paycheck is because I'm related (thanks Dad). I barely spend any time at my desk with all my extracurricular involvements (detailed below) but I dutifully go every day even if I spend most of my day on the phone ordering bumper stickers for this, buying radio advertising for that or writing (oh yeah, I'm published elsewhere on occasion). I'm a busy man but I've got to hang my professional shingle somewhere. I am a Professional Land Surveyor. Well, that's the cover I use on my taxes anyway. It's not JUST a job; it's an adventure and it takes me to the exotic wilds. Mostly inner city wilds like Fairview and Mountain View but occasionally I get to Cordova or Bethel. I love my job but I love its flexibility more than anything.

So, the only thing on MY agenda today is writing this piece for you. Call me Gonzo (please, please) but there are other items on my schedule and I’m, no exactly dropping them but, certainly giving this more attention than some people think it warrants.

Tomorrow is the Anchorage Citywide Bike Blessing - The Gathering and being the vaguely connected scumbag) that I am (aka ABATE of Alaska Inc. Board Member I had to run errands for that (radio interviews, pick up the Watch For Motorcycle bumper stickers). I am the public relations guy (among other titles) for Men Against Breast Cancer and I have a video taping to attend for a vignette for the Breast Cancer Focus Luncheon (great food and a great cause BTW; May 11th at the Egan Center). I am an adjunct professor at UAA and I had a final to give today. Did I mention that my plate is full (cliché city, I know; I’ll work on that).

I'm not without resolve and today, a few minutes ago, I resolved to submit this damned thing and take a shot at fame and glory. Er, the satisfaction of a job well done (at the last minute). Um, the chance at a few column inches of intoxicated goodness. I'll take D) All of the above.

I could ramble on (and take that Led Zeppelin reference way too far) but I think I’ve said enough already.

I need a drink. When this final is over (yeah, I’m writing this on Gov’mnt time) I’m headed straight to Gabe at SubZero for something cool and olivy and olivy isn’t even a word.

If you need more writing samples visit www.mybigredcouch.blogspot.com

Call me anytime and we'll meet for a proper interview.


- Jon

Jonathan “Bearded Jon” Lang
Anchorage, Alaska
(907) xxx-xxxx cell; always no; not always answered xxxxxxxjon@xxxxxx.net

PS - Pick me, pick me, pick me.

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